Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love. Song of Songs 7:12
Women’s sexual response can be finicky, can’t it? Sometimes a woman’s body seems to have a mind of its own.
It can be a relief to find something that “works”—that is, it leads us to an orgasm. We’re relieved to have a path that we’re pretty sure will get us there. Our husbands are relieved that to know just what to do.
I’m not one to dismiss the value of having something that works. Even routine vanilla sex can be a great experience. Vanilla is, after all, a reliable and mellow flavor.
Even so, it’s also good to learn to enjoy a little sexual adventure.
What Counts as Adventure?
Adventure doesn’t require an exotic swinging-from-the-chandeliers thing. It’s often closer to the couple in the Song of Songs who goes out to make love in the vineyards rather than in their verdant bed.
All it takes to be adventurous is something a little different than your usual sexual activity, whether it’s a small change to something you usually do or a brand new activity:
- Try a new position. *
- Enjoy your go-to position in a different location in the house, with different lighting, or using a wedge pillow to help you shift the angle just a bit.
- Take a weekend away and see how many new sexual activities or positions you can try.
- Play a game that tells you some things to try.
- Try to change your speed, either trying to find out how fast you can both reach orgasm or slowing waaaaaaayyyy down until you’re both feeling desperate for release.
- Add a little food into your sexual play.
- Have sex outside in a private location.
- Use a new artificial lubricant.
- Change your usual touch by altering the firmness or speed of your touch. Or instead of touching with your hands, touch with your mouth or your hair.
- Try a homemade sex swing. (It’s much safer than swinging from the chandeliers.)
Why Adventure?
As I said, there’s nothing wrong with having sex in a way that is familiar. We can find great comfort and connection in routine.
That said, sexual adventure offers three important benefits that make it worthwhile, at least some of the time.
1. Adventure can enhance your sexual pleasure.
Doing something out-of-the-ordinary can enhance our sexual enjoyment.
Even a small adjustment in location or position stimulates our senses in new ways. It may be that your husband’s thrusting stimulates your clitoris in an entirely different way in a different position or angle—and it just might feel amazing. New physical sensations—from sexual feelings to scents to touch to what we see—can help you focus on the sexual experience if you could use help being more sexually present.
Adventure helps you experience sex in a new way, and it can help you learn more about what you like in bed.
2. Adventure helps build intimacy.
When you do something new, or in a new way, there’s usually something to figure out—and the process of figuring out can draw you and your husband closer.
Your sexual adventure may involve making a purchase. As you discuss which game to buy or which lingerie you should wear, you’re sharing a goal and learning more about each other’s preferences and desires. You are creating oneness simply in talking about what you’re going to do. Once you place the order, you share the anticipation as you wait for it to arrive and then put into action.
Some women avoid new sexual activities because they’re concerned that they won’t do it right. You know what? That’s part of the fun and connection! You and your husband will need to work together to solve the problems of logistics. Where do your legs and arms go? How can you pour chocolate syrup on your husband without having it drip all over the bed? How can you make sure no one sees you?
Figuring these things out together strengthens the intimacy of a sexual encounter.
And when something doesn’t work and your husband falls out of you or you roll of the bed? You laugh together—and that builds intimacy too!
When you and your husband look back on those adventures later, your shared memories can help you re-experience those feelings of connection.
One year my husband and I tried quite a few new-to-us activities. The one that “worked” the least is the one we remember the most fondly—because of how we talked about it afterward and how we were so relieved when we gave up on the adventurous idea and dived right into the comfort of our usual routine.
3. Adventure fosters flexibility.
Throughout the lifetime of your marriage, flexibility is important. Not the bendy kind of flexibility, but the kind that prepares you to make adjustments and changes as needed.
Different life seasons will present different challenges to your sex life. Our sexual interest may have ups and downs as we deal with various stresses that life presents. Our bodies may respond differently after pregnancy, surgery, illness, or menopause. A husband may struggle with sexual interest or erection quality as he faces stress or begins to grow older.
Sometimes you may suddenly realize that the usual sexual routine you’ve enjoyed for years simply won’t work anymore. You and your husband will need to make changes.
If you have learned to be comfortable with a little sexual adventure, it isn’t much of a stretch to try something new to accommodate a life change.
If you and your husband have not gained that flexibility, though, a small life blip can pose a big hurdle for you in the bedroom.
Sexual adventure is a little like being in training. Occasional sexual adventure in the early years of your marriage can prepare you to make adjustments in the later years.
Are You Ready to Explore?
Talk with your husband about becoming more adventurous together.
If you’d like some ideas, you can find some in these posts over at The Forgiven Wife:
- 18 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life This Weekend
- Add Spice to Your Sex Life
- The Comfort Zone
- DIY Sex Swing
- Food and Sex
- The Hokey Pokey: Throwing Your Whole Self Out of Your Comfort Zone
- How Many Shoes Are in Your Closet?
- Learning to Stretch
- Let There Be Light: Out of the Zone
- The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone
- Two Giant Steps Forward: Out of the Zone
Sexual adventure can help you expand your repertoire, grow closer to your husband, and be prepared to address changes throughout your life.
There’s no time like the present to get started!
* This post contains affiliate links that earn me a small commission when you make a purchase.
Image credit | canva.com
We have been following you for a while now and enjoy the posts that you make. I (husband) am wondering if sometimes the touch can be just as good for the woman as it ultimately can be for the man? Is the feeling of closeness enhanced when she sees the fruits of her labor while using this as an alternative for when she is tired or not feeling well?
Both men and women benefit from touch. Sexual touch that is part of a “just for her” or “just for him” session certainly can promote feelings of closeness for both spouses, although there are caveats for that. If sexual touch is demanded by one spouse, if sex is almost always one-sided and in one direction, or if a spouse is touching only out of a sense of duty while feeling ill or needing rest, sexual touch can create distance or even resentment. As with so much else in marriage, the heart matters as much as (or even more than) the actions.