I’ve heard from several women lately about orgasm difficulty. The problem isn’t that they can’t have an orgasm at all. The problem is that they can’t have an orgasm with their husband.
When they masturbate alone? No problem. These women know just what to do on their own, but they can’t seem to transfer this ability to having sex with their husbands.
What is going on?
Different factors can come into play here. A woman may be self-conscious about how she looks or sounds during her orgasm. She might be distracted by his sexual response. She’s in a different position with him than she is when she masturbates. Or he uses a different technique than she does when she is alone.
A Two-Pronged Approach
To learn to orgasm with your husband as well as on your own, you’ll need to work on two things:
- Retrain your mind and body to respond to sexual stimulation. If you have masturbated for a long time or if you have only one technique that you use, this might require a bit more time and effort to address.
- Teach your husband how to touch you. You need to help your husband know what to do. If you’ve been faking orgasms with him, he’ll have to unlearn the things that don’t work. Don’t expect penetration to be enough. This is sort of an all-hands-on-deck proposition.
Talk with your husband about this. Full intimacy—knowing and being known—involves open and honest communication about your struggles. Tell him how much you want to have an orgasm with him, and let him know what you’d like to do to work toward that. Ask him to pray for you.
One Step at a Time
Each of the steps below is a small step on its own that builds on the step before it. You may find that you can get through all of them in two days, or you may find that it takes several months. Be patient with yourself and enjoy the process.
Your orgasm is as important as your husband’s and is worth the time and effort from both of you.
The first two steps are ones you do on your own.
- Use different techniques during masturbation. If you’ve had one or two tried-and-true ways of bringing yourself to orgasm, learning to respond to different approaches will be particularly important. At first, do something different for arousal and then go back to something reliable for the orgasm itself. Once that is working well, use a different approach for the actual orgasm.
- Include your husband in your thoughts, imagining that the hands on you are his, or that he is the one holding the vibrator.
The rest of the steps involve you and your husband together.
- Masturbate next to him in bed. If you feel self-conscious, you can leave the lights off and gradually add more light as you become comfortable. You might find it helpful—and quite erotic—for your husband to be masturbating next to you at the same time.
- Masturbate while he is kissing and/or touching you. While your hands are busy, he could be kissing your neck or stroking your breasts or something else that feels good to you.
- Have your husband do all the preliminary work and then you take over at the end. Enjoy the sexual sensations on their own merit. Even if a particular type of touch doesn’t help you have an orgasm, enjoy it for the heat, the tingle, and the intimacy. In other words, have your husband arouse you, and then when you’re ready for your orgasm, you do what you need to do.
- Have your husband get you aroused and then you use his hand rather than yours to bring you to an orgasm.
What If It Doesn’t Work?
You may find that you get stuck after step 3 or 4, and you know what? That’s okay!
Sexual intimacy does not require that your husband is the one to bring you to orgasm. It’s easy to get so focused on who is giving you the orgasm that you forget to realize how wonderful it is to share your orgasm experience with the man you love.
If you give yourself an orgasm when you’re with your husband, it is still intimate and fantastic.
Having an orgasm with your husband is sublime, even if he isn’t the one who pushes you over the delicious edge.
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Nothing works. Tried everything for years. Not trying any more, too defeated. Happy to just “be”. I’m having more pleasure from sex now that we have stopped ‘trying’. Still no orgasm though, just not worrying about it any more.
Are you able to have an orgasm when you’re alone? I found sex to be more pleasurable when I focused on enjoying the sensations of arousal. Even now when orgasm is elusive, I can enjoy sex in that respect. Letting go of the worry is a good idea. I hope you are surprised by one some day!
I AM ABOUT TO LEAVE MY WIFE—ANYDAY NOW. I’M SIMPLY TIRED OF TRYING. I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING, SHE IS SO SINFULLY STUBBORN, AND I’VE NOW REACHED THE END OF THE TETHER. I DON’T EVEN THINK THAT HSE IS AWARE OF JUST HOW VERY CLOSE I NOW AM TO WALKING AWAY–AND OUT–FOR GOOD. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. SHE WILL NOT LISTEN. SHE WILL NOT LEARN. SHE WILL NOT READ AND/OR LISTEN TOO ANY OF THESE TEACHINGS. I’VE PRAYED, I’VE WAITED, I’VE WQTCHED, I’VE WORKED, I’VE WORRIED—BUT NOW, I’M DONE. THERE NEVER HAS BEEN, NOR IS THERE, NOR WILL THERE EVER BE, ANOTHER WOMAN—-I’M SIMPLY GOING TO LIVE ALONE—AND
V-E-R-Y HURT, DISAPPOINTED, DISCOURGED AND DEPRESSED. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE THAT A WOMAN CAN BE THIS HARD, COLD, CARELEES AND CLUELESS.
DONN
MY VERY LAST ATTEMPT TO CRY OUT FOR HELP.
I’m sorry for your pain. I do want to say that a woman can genuinely be clueless about how her husband feels about sexual rejection. I was, for many years. Please let her know how close you are to walking away. It may not lead to any change at all, but then again it might show her that this is a serious matter for you.