My husband died nearly one year ago, and it’s been, well, weird. I thought I’d let you know what I’ve been doing and what things look like going forward. I know this is long, but I’ve missed you all and I have a lot to share.
Every single aspect of my life has been touched by my husband’s death. I am a whole person, just as I was before we married—but I feel like I’ve lost part of who I am. After years of developing tastes in tandem with my husband, I struggled to figure out what I wanted to eat or even what kinds of shows I wanted to watch. We greatly enjoyed eating together, so food brought all sorts of sadness to me. Cooking is still a major struggle for me. I count it as a win if I actually cut up vegetables or use the stove for something.
Figuring out who I am without Big Guy will be a long-term process.
Well Supported
Despite the challenges of the past year, I have seen God’s goodness and care in the support I’ve received.
Grief groups proved to be a safe place to process my thoughts and emotions. GriefShare provided a structured dive into different aspects of grief, focusing on one thing at each weekly session. I cannot recommend GriefShare enough. It helps participants process grief in a way that is both biblical and in the nitty gritty of human reality.
I’ve also been part of an informal monthly grief group gathering for women, and I’m in a Facebook group for Christian widows. All these things have been helpful in their own ways. I’ve made new friends in these places, which has helped me feel like I’m moving forward in my life.
My finances were supported by your donations through GoFundMe and PayPal, the churches where my husband had been pastoring, and by friends and family. I’ve been able to cover most of the funeral expenses and was able to manage life until I was able to access some funds from the estate (which continues to be dealt with by the attorney). I am still trying to figure out my financial future, but I have appreciated having the past year to focus on my grieving and healing.
What About My Work?
When my husband died, my marriage was over. Our wedding vows had been fulfilled: we loved and cared for each other until death parted us. I feel a brief pang of sadness when someone mentions an anniversary or how many years they’ve been married. I will never have been married more than 32½ years. My husband was always nine months older than me, but now I am older than he ever will be. I’ve started to decorate the house according to my taste. I ordered new checks with my name only, covered with flowers. I got a third cat just because he wasn’t here to insist on a dog instead. I still feel married in some ways, but I am not and I can’t imagine that I will be again.
I’ve spent a lot of time with my eyes cast heavenward. Mostly that has been wondering what heaven is like and what my husband is doing there. Also, though, I had a couple experiences that I never got to share with him. My daughter, son-in-law, and I traveled to see the total solar eclipse in April, which was surreal and outstanding. And I’ve seen the northern lights a few times, much more beautifully than the one glimpse I got as a teenager. Keeping my eyes on eternity and on the skies has helped me gain perspective and remember that I am far from the first woman in history to lose her husband. I know I will be okay. God carries me every day.
With my marriage over, I figured my life in marriage ministry was over, too. I’ve always approached my work here from the perspective of another Christian sister on the same journey as my readers. I’m no longer on that journey, so I figured I was done.
However, several things have made me rethink this idea.
A Familiar Rhythm
At Big Guy’s funeral, I sat sobbing and telling Bonny and J how much I was going to miss working with them on the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast. It turned out that I stuck around instead. The others said that I still have something to offer to our listeners, and even though I wasn’t feeling it, I decided to believe them and stick with it. Frankly, it has been good for me to have a familiar rhythm in my life. I’m so grateful that I still have that and I that I get to continue to work with my friends. They’ve been such good medicine for my hurting heart.
A Heart for Marriage
Despite that occasional brief sadness when someone mentions their marriage, I’ve found that I still delight in marriage!
Someone in one of my grief support groups mentioned that their grief has brought them closer to their spouse. When I heard that, I felt a big smile on my face. A woman I met at her son’s wedding told me she’d been married 38 years. I found myself cheering her on and telling her how wonderful it was. Then I was googling an old friend. She’d been single well into her 40s and then I lost touch with her. I learned that she has married, and I was so very happy for her.
My marriage wasn’t exactly an easy one, but over time it became very good. I was glad I was married to my husband, and our relationship shaped me in ways that will be with me always. I did some hard work on myself to change what I was bringing to the marriage, and I will always be thankful that I did. That effort resulted in some very good years. Had I not gone through that, I would be carrying so much regret right now. I know that my husband felt loved until his dying day.
I want other wives to have that experience as well, to work on themselves in a way that turns the marriage dynamic into something good in their lives.
I’m Not Finished
I’ve been antsy and itching to write for months. It turns out I have so much more to say, and I miss doing this work here. I had to set much of my work aside when I was caring for my father-in-law; now I have all sorts of time and I long to do something meaningful with it.
For months I’ve explored ministry directions other than marriage. I looked at grief, widowhood, eldercare, and more as possible ministries. For now, God seems to be keeping me where I’ve already been. He has shown me over and over that I still have a purpose in marriage ministry.
Moving Forward
As I said earlier, I’ve approached this work from the perspective of another woman on the same journey. I’m no longer on that journey, but I can still be a cheerleader. I can help pull women up as far as I’ve gone, and I can cheer them on when they pass me on the trail.
Here’s what I think that will look like:
- I’ll work to update the posts on my Forgiven Wife blog and move them over to Honeycomb & Spice. That will put the posts where I’ve wanted them to be for some time.
- I’ll continue to provide intimacy mentoring.
- My community will be rebuilt in some fashion, although it may expand beyond marriage and sex ministry. I’m not rushing to figure this out.
- I am finally working on the books that I have planned out. I’m sure this will be a slow process, but when they are finished, I’m sure they will provide encouragement and information that will help wives who need some help to grow sexually.
Moving forward won’t look a whole lot different from what I was doing before my husband and I uprooted our lives five years ago and moved to another state to live with my father-in-law in his house. But it’s my house now, and I have the company of my three cats and a whole lot of support from friends. I’ll be making a fresh start, but I won’t be starting from scratch.
I ask for your prayers. This past year has been full of heartache and the unknown, even as it has been filled with unexpected joy. I need wisdom, spiritual protection for my family, and good health as I re-engage with this ministry. If you would like to offer financial assistance to give me a bit more breathing space until the estate is settled, the GoFundMe and PayPal links are still active. Mostly, though, what I need is prayer.
Since you’ve made it this far, I thought I’d leave you with one more thing: Over the past year, I’ve often thought of writing a post titled “What I Don’t Miss About Sex.” I’ve decided against writing the whole thing, but I’ll give you the gist of it.
The thing I don’t miss about sex is the actual sex. It’s all the other stuff that I miss—physical closeness, intimacy, sharing something with my husband, and having fun together. Sex was the route to all those things in my marriage, but the sex itself is what I miss the least. If you’re trying to gather the courage to work on some sexual things, my friends, let that be your encouragement.
