Different Sleep Schedules? 1 Simple Tip to Keep Your Sex Life Alive

A healthy and thriving sex life can be one of the great joys of marriage.

Plenty of marriage experts recommend that spouses go to bed at the same time. It’s wonderful when it works out that way. Getting ready for bed together can give you the comfort of routine, the shared intimacy of end-of-day conversations, and the convenience of being out of your clothes at the same time.

However, it doesn’t always work out for spouses to go to bed together. One may be a night owl while the other is an early bird. One spouse may need more sleep than the other. A couple may work different shifts that make them like ships who pass in the night. Even when spouses can go to bed at the same time, one spouse may find sex more appealing in the morning while the other one prefers nighttime.

Wives share their dilemma with me, and it usually goes something like this:

If we wait until he goes to bed to have sex, it means that I’m always being awakened and can never count on having a full night’s sleep. If we have sex when it works for me in the morning, then it means my husband isn’t having a full night’s sleep. How do we decide who sacrifices their sleep so we can have sex—and how can we do it without one of us becoming a little resentful?

If you have different sleep schedules, it’s so important to figure this out. You and your husband both need to get the necessary amount of sleep. But it’s also fair to say that sex is important, and you should both be able to have a sex life that helps to maintain and strengthen your overall intimacy.

Although it may require a little creativity, your sex life can thrive despite your schedule differences.

1 Simple Tip

My husband and I have recently found ourselves in a season when our sleep hours don’t quite match up. He needs to get up before dawn every day to get to his job, so he goes to bed early. We live in the same household as his elderly father, and I need to stay up a while longer in case my father-in-law needs assistance before he goes to bed. I also need to help my father-in-law in the morning, so my start and end times each day are a bit outside my control.

So we suddenly find ourselves in a situation where we need to apply some creativity to our sex life. I’ve written about this subject in a post that includes a variety of ideas. (You can find it here.)

Buried in that post is one suggestion that I want to highlight here. It’s a solution to the problem of trying to figure out when you have sex when you and your husband have different sleep schedules.

The solution is quite simple.

Are you ready?

Here it is:

Take turns.

One month, your husband is the one who interrupts your sleep to initiate sex. The next month, you’re the one who interrupts him and initiates. So instead of one spouse always being the one to sacrifice sleep and the other one always being able to get a full night’s sleep, you simply take turns. Sounds fair, doesn’t it?

You’ll need to talk to figure out some logistics.

• Will you let each other know ahead of time when you plan to wake them for sex so you have a chance to think sexy thoughts before drifting off to sleep or even to dress (or undress) for the occasion? Or do you want to just be surprised?
• What is the best way for each of you to be awakened? One spouse might prefer to be awakened by sexual touching, and the other might want to be awakened with gentle words and a touch on the shoulder before proceeding to anything sexual.
• What will your guidelines be for how to handle it when it’s your month to be awakened for sex but you have a night when you really do need to catch up on sleep. Do you want to have a 24-hour rain check policy (it’s okay to say no as long as you agree to have sex the next night for sure)?
• Is it okay for the sleeping person to wake up just enough for a quickie where the more awake spouse does all the work, or is it important that you both fully participate each time?
• What frequency is reasonable? Is sex fair game every night? Three nights a week? One weeknight when someone has to be awakened and one weekend encounter where the other person gets to choose the time?
• Is it better to take turns every other month, or would every other week be a better option?

As you get used to taking turns, you can look for ways to enhance your sexual teasing and invitation even if you don’t get to see each other much each day. Send each other texts or pictures of the lingerie you’re going to wear to bed. Develop a special signal to indicate that tonight’s the night (or tomorrow morning’s the morning), such as placing your husband’s “My Wife Is Awesome” mug next to the coffee maker before you leave for work in the morning or drawing a heart on the bathroom mirror.

I admit that I’m not thrilled about not being able to have the same sleep schedule as my husband. I like going to bed with him, whether or not sex is involved.

But I AM glad that we can do something as simple as taking turns to keep our sex life going.

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