Goodbye and Hello

My name isn’t Waldo, but you may have been asking where I am.

Before this year was half over, it had become a year of milestones that have required my focus on family rather than ministry.

Goodbye

Four years ago when my husband and I moved to his small rural hometown to care for his aging father, neither of us really knew what to expect—but I definitely was not looking forward to it. I told my husband I expected it would be hard but that I would never regret it.

Our last adult child was just leaving our home, but instead of having an empty nest, my husband and I moved into someone else’s nest. I loved and respected my father-in-law, but living in someone’s home (especially when that someone wasn’t happy to have us there) puts us into close proximity with habits, character traits, and preferences. That which is tolerable or even cute from a distance can be quite different up close.

For most of my time with my father-in-law, I was mostly a manager. I made sure he took the right pills every day. I checked his blood sugar and gave him insulin as needed. I scheduled his doctor appointments and then accompanied him to those appointments.

Things changed this past winter. Walking and balancing became more difficult. His memory worsened. He told us he wouldn’t see another Christmas. He experienced more aches and pains.

We finally hit the point I had dreaded: my care for him became hands-on. I didn’t think I could manage to deal with my father-in-law’s physical needs. I thought it would be humiliating for both of us.

I was, thankfully, wrong. The acts that were most personal (and most dreaded) became sacred moments. All that mattered was that I was caring for a man who was a child of God, a man who was ready to leave his aged earthly body to be with Jesus for eternity.

Every night I helped him prepare for bed. I would tuck him in and then kiss him goodnight on his forehead. I promised him he would not die alone, and I promised that I would do what I could to keep him comfortable in the process.

Bearing witness to his struggle and his yearning became my priority.  When he was agitated in the hospital, I calmed him with the Lord’s Prayer and Psalm 23. When doctors and nurses gave information, I helped him understand what that meant for him. And as he breathed through his last hours, I held his hand. After he was gone, I kissed him on the forehead one last time, this time goodbye for now rather than goodnight.

In the months since he has passed away, I have been trying to turn my in-laws’ home into my husband’s and my home. It is going slowly, in part because I am still grieving. Still, my husband and I are enjoying having time to ourselves. After several years of living according to his father’s preferences and needs, we are rediscovering our preferences and rhythms of life.

Hello

Six weeks after my father-in-law passed away, we hit another milestone—one that had been brewing for nine months.

My husband and I became first-time grandparents to an adorable little girl who has her mama’s face and my son’s toes. Naturally we are enamored  by her and enjoy whatever time we can spend with her. It was hard to move away from our kids four years ago, and it’s hard being so far away from our granddaughter. I’ve been visiting frequently. Although I miss caring for my father-in-law, I am grateful for the new flexibility in my schedule that allows me to make grandma visits.

Full Circle

This year had one huge goodbye and one huge hello, both of which we had seen coming. We had one more milestone that was completely unexpected.

When we moved to this town, we joined the church my father-in-law attended. It was the easiest way to make sure he got to church. He had belonged to this church his entire life. He was born into a family that was on the church board. His aunt wrote his name on the cradle roll when he was brought to church the first time. My husband also grew up in this church. It’s where we married, since it was planting season and we knew it would be hard for his father to travel to my home church.

When we were dating, my husband mentioned that he might like to become a pastor someday. Throughout the years it would come up every now and then, but nothing ever came of it.

Until something finally did.

My husband had a conversation with someone in our denomination’s leadership. The conversation was about something completely unrelated, but my husband made an offhand comment about becoming a pastor. The leader reponded to his comment and invited him to the next step.

Many small rural churches around here have bi-vocational pastors. They still have their regular job and then serve as part-time pastors. That’s just what my husband is doing. His is a pastor, and I am a pastor’s wife.

He works for a major area employer during the week, and on Sundays he preaches at two small town churches, including the one where he grew up and where we married. He is now leading his own childhood Sunday School teachers. His grandfather and father would be so very proud of him.

I am delighted to watch him step forward into God’s call on his life.

When we came here we knew that our move would be transformative, but this was not something we expected.

Our move was difficult on both of us as individuals, and it took a toll on our marriage for a while. But we just kept doing the next thing we needed to do, and then the next thing, and so on. We didn’t know where this part of our life’s journey would lead, but we stayed on the path God laid in front of us and here we are.

And here I am, finding my way back to my desk chair and marriage ministry. I would appreciate your prayers for my family and for me as we continue to settle into this new season of life.