My marriage story includes nearly twenty years of sexual reluctance on my part. While my husband could have done some things to change the atmosphere in our marriage, he couldn’t make me change.
I made changes only when I decided I wanted to.
You may be here at Honeycomb & Spice because you have decided it is time to make some changes. I’m happy you’re here and wanting to move forward. Making sexual changes can have such a positive influence on every other area of your marriage—and my prayer for you is that you will experience this transformation.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if the desire to change was all it took? Wanting to change is necessary, but it isn’t quite enough to lead to a changed sex life.
Women often write to me to share their stories of how they came to the point of wanting to change. Then they ask me the big question:
“Where do I start?”
There’s no one right place to start. Some women want to start with something that will have a big impact. Others start with something small to help them feel confident. My approach was to consider my husband’s complaints about sex and work on one of those areas.
Taking a step toward any small change will lead you to the next step, and then the next step, and so on. Every step is progress, no matter where you begin the journey.
All that said, it helps to have some ideas about what you can actually do.
I’d like to suggest four general areas for you to consider in planning your first step, along with some action steps for each area.
Knowledge
Many of us brought an incomplete understanding of God’s design for sex to our marriages. Learning more about the value of sex in our marriages can give you a fuller view of what you’re working toward in your sexual efforts.
Action steps
- Join the Honeycomb & Spice community.
- Read the Song of Songs.
- Read other blogs by Christian wives who write about sex (such as Hot, Holy & Humorous and Intimacy in Marriage).
- Figure out what is getting in the way of sex for you and work on those areas. You may need to slow down and reduce some responsibilities, seek healing, or accept God’s forgiveness for your past.
Frequency
Have sex more often than you do now. If you have sex once every six weeks, start having sex every week or every other week. If you have sex once a week, bump it up to two or three times a week. If you have sex once a year, try once a month.
Action steps
- Say yes to your husband more often.
- When you can tell your husband is thinking about it but hasn’t asked you, offer. “Why don’t we go upstairs, sweetie?” can be a good invitation.
- Initiate sex.
Engagement
Be an active participant in your sexual encounters. If you’re going to take the time to have sex, you might as well fully participate while you’re at it.
Action steps
- Pay attention to the physical sensations you experience.
- Tell your husband when something feels good.
- Ask him to touch you in a way that you like.
- Use your hand to direct his hand, mouth, or penis where you would like it to be.
Spice
Expand your sexual range and add more variety. God’s gift of sex includes so much to enjoy.
Action steps
- Suggest a new position for sex. Married Dance has a set of Position Cards (affiliate link) to help you out.
- Have sex in a room other than the bedroom.
- Get a sexy game (affiliate link) to play with your husband.
- Add a new sexual activity (e.g., oral sex, stripping, breast play).
- Change the lighting when you have sex. If you’re usually a sex-in-the-dark couple, try it with all the lights on.
- Add a new sex-related item (e.g., blindfold, lingerie, vibrator, costume).
The Most Important Action Step
No matter which of these areas you decide to work on first, be sure to start with the most important action step of all: pray.
Ask God to help you. Invite Him into your journey to work on sex. Thank Him for helping you want to work on this aspect of your marriage.
Looking for More?
The posts in this list can help you with many of the action steps described above.
- 10 Ideas You Can Use to Initiate Sex
- 18 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life This Weekend
- 4 Ways to Be Present During Sex
- 5 Ways to Work on Your Sex Life without Having to Add Spice
- Add Spice to Your Sex Life
- How Do You Initiate Sex?
- One Small Habit
- The Value of Showing Up
- To Duty Sex—and Beyond!
- Stretch Outside Your Comfort Zone
Image credit | canva.com
