Despite the fact that I was quite curious about sex as a child and then managed to read the entire reproduction collection at the public library, a lack of information was a significant factor in my sexual struggles for many years.
My husband and I were both confused about what seemed to be my missing sexual desire. “Do you want to have sex?” he would ask. “No, not really,” I would say. “What do I have to do to help you want sex?” he wondered. My “I don’t know” frustrated and confused both of us.
He was always interested in sex and quickly became ready—and once we got started, he was very focused and undistracted. Why wasn’t I? What’s wrong with me? I wondered.
Fortunately, research* has given us better insight into women’s sexuality and sexual response. Women’s sexual desire can be affected my many factors—either positively or negatively.
This is good news! The fact that there are many influencing factors gives us quite a few things to try when we want to work on our sexual desire and responsiveness.
So let’s take a look at some of the things that research has shown us can influence sexual interest AND talk about what you can do to boost your own interest if it starts to wane.
Energy Levels
It’s probably no surprise that fatigue plays a huge role in whether or not women are interested in sex. There are a couple ways you can address this.
- Reduce the drains on your energy. Look at the busy-ness in your life. Have you built in the time you need to replenish yourself? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you say “yes” only to things you know you have time for?
- Increase your energy resources. Exercise regularly. Eat foods that are good energy sources.
Being fatigued can diminish your desire—but having energy can actually increase it. If fatigue puts a damper on your sexual desire, tackle it both by reducing energy drains and increasing the energy available to you.
Sexy Self-image
Your husband may tell you that he thinks you’re sexy—but many women find that they need to feel sexy for themselves. If feeling unsexy gets in the way of your wanting to be sexual, it’s time to do some things that help you feel attractive and sexy.
- Give yourself (or get) a pedicure.
- Put makeup on.
- When you’re around the house, wear clothing that’s a bit form-fitting or shows some cleavage.
- Do what makes you feel happy and sexy: wear those awesome earrings, put on an ankle bracelet, or get the cute clothes rather than something that is more age-appropriate.
- Add spontaneous sexy dance moves when you’re home alone, just to boost your awareness of your body.
Even if it’s only for around the house, if it helps you feel sexy, it should help your desire.
Your Husband’s Attention
A husband’s relationship efforts in non-sexual ways can affect his wife’s desire. Consistent effort on his part to do things that show you romance and love contribute to your overall feelings about him and about the relationship—and these feelings can help your desire.
While what he does isn’t under your control, you can make a point to notice what your husband does to show you love and to invest in your relationship. Does he do something to show that he is thinking about your throughout the day? Does he do things that shows he values you and your marriage?
If so, remind yourself to think about this several times throughout the day. Warming your heart might help stoke some other fires as well.
If your husband is not doing these kinds of things, talk with him. It may be that he is doing things that you haven’t been aware of. (I have found this to be the case many times in my own marriage.) Or, perhaps he just doesn’t know what you would like. If you’d like him to send you “thinking of you” texts during the day, tell him. If you would appreciate flowers sometimes, let him know. I’m not talking about being demanding or entitled, and I also don’t mean that sex should be contingent on these things. This is about being authentic about what helps you feel valued and loved.
My husband used to do so much more than I realized—and when I would see it, I often dismissed it as just an attempt to get sex. Instead, I have decided to simply appreciate those things as his expressions of love for me—which is, after all, why he is really doing them.
Intimate Conversation
Conversations in which we share emotions or reveal things that others don’t know can help us feel closer to our husbands—and when we feel closer, it is easier to want to feel really, really, really close physically, if you know what I mean.
While you can’t make your husband open up to you, what you can do is make sure he has the opportunity to do so. Do you spend enough time with him that he has an opportunity to share things with you, even if that just means that you are physically in the same room at the same time? Make a grocery store outing into a date. Take a walk around the block while holding hands. Make sure that at least some of your conversations are about things other than keeping the family and home functioning. If you’re interested in some conversations starters, try A Year of Questions for You & Your Spouse at Lori’s download page at The Generous Wife.
All Your Senses
Some research has suggested that accessing at least one or two of your five senses can help sexual desire. If there is something that you consistently associate with sex, experiencing that sensation can help you access that desire more easily. Feeling sensual can often lead to feeling sexual.
Try some of these ideas:
- Sight—Use special lighting (such as a red light bulb) or sexy red boxers for your husband.
- Sound—Try a white noise machine or a lovemaking playlist.
- Taste—Have a beverage or snack that you enjoy together only when you’re about to have sex or have just had sex. (See Food and Sex.)
- Touch—The feeling of a silky negligee or a furry boa can enhance your physical awareness, your sensuality, and your desire.
- Smell—Scented candles or essential oils—especially ones that you use only for some lovin’—can get your mind thinking sexually without you being fully being aware of it. (See Use Scent to Enhance Your Sex Life for more ideas.)
God gave you all those wonderful senses. Let them guide you toward sexual desire.
Sexual Memories
What we’ve already experienced sexually can influence our interest in sex now, both positively and negatively.
If you have negative memories, working on dealing with those might be a good first step. This might mean that you find a good counselor, pray for healing, pursue a process of forgiveness, or have difficult conversations with your husband.
Spend time every day reminiscing about positive sexual encounters you’ve had with your husband. The desire and love you have for him will stay fresh in your mind—and you may find that your body gets engaged a bit, too.
Addressing the negative memories and enjoying the positive memories may not be possible at the same time—but over time, you may find that dealing with the negative memories creates more mental space for you to think about the positive ones.
Better Sex
Although the prospect of a good physical experience isn’t guaranteed to counter all the factors above, it might tip the scales just a bit. Just as bad sex can make it harder to be interested in sex, good sex can make it easier to be interested. (See 13 Things I Learned at a Sexual Wellness Class and Dealing with Vulvovaginal Atrophy without Hormones.)
Here are some things that might lead to better sex for you:
- See a doctor if sex has been painful for you. Painful sex creates trauma, and that doesn’t make sex fun for anyone. You may find it helpful to see a gynecologist who specializes in sexual health.
- Learn what feels good sexually. You may find it helpful to do some self-exploration as well as some exploration that involves your husband.
- Communicate with your husband about what would make sex better for you.
If the main thing in the way of desire is that your sexual desire doesn’t work like your husband’s, try some of the strategies above.
Be intentional about these things on a regular and frequent basis, and you just may nurture your sexual desire in ways that will make you very, very happy.
Select resources
*Basson, R. (2002). Women’s sexual desire—disordered or misunderstood? Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 17-28.
*Brotto., L., Heiman, J., & Tolman, D. (2009). Narratives of desire in mid-age women with and without arousal difficulties. Journal of Sex Research, 46 (5), 387-398.
*Goldhammer, D., & McCabe, M. (2011). A qualitative exploration of the meaning and experience of sexual desire among partnered women. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 20 (1-2), 19-29.
*Spurgas, A.K. (2013). Interest, arousal, and shifting diagnoses of female sexual dysfunction, or: How women learn about desire. Studies in Gender and Sexuality, 14, 187-205.
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