As a woman with several chronic conditions (fibromyalgia, arthritis, and chronic sinusitis, among others), I know that sex can be affected in many ways by chronic illness or pain. Constantly dealing with pain or low energy takes a toll.
A few months ago I posted a survey for wives with chronic illness or pain. (The survey is still open if you’d like to share your experience.) The responses provide a wealth of helpful information that will show up in several posts in the coming months.
Survey responses came from women with a variety of conditions.* Many women had specific variations of some of these illnesses, or they had multiple conditions listed. The impact of these conditions on sex ranged from “no problem unless my condition is flaring” to “cramping for a few hours” to “pain for the next three days” to “we can’t have intercourse at all anymore.”
One of the survey questions was about sex advice for other Christian wives with chronic conditions, and that’s what I’d like to share with you today.
1. Work together.
If you have a chronic condition that affects sex, it affects both you and your husband. Communicate clearly with each other about your needs and your limitations. Work together to figure out how to approach your sex life, even though it may be difficult at times. Quite a few women expressed appreciation for their husbands taking care of more household chores on her bad days.
It is important to offer each other plenty of patience, understanding, and grace. And there’s a silver lining to this. Your efforts to make your condition a shared challenge rather than a separate burden for each of you can strengthen your sense of oneness. Navigating the challenges together can draw you closer to each other.
2. Make sexual intimacy a priority.
Sexual intimacy matters in marriage, and it is worth figuring out how to make it work for both of you. Women had several suggestions about how to do this:
- Let go of some of your responsibilities.
- Take the time that is necessary to help you be prepared and comfortable before sex, and take the time you need afterward to care for yourself.
- Find ways to connect physically when sex won’t work. Naked cuddling is still intimate in a way you don’t do with someone other than your husband.
- Plan your day around sex. If you know you’d like to have sex later in the day, then give yourself a day that doesn’t demand much of you. Pace yourself. If you’re familiar with spoon theory, save enough spoons for sex.
- Take advantage of your good days. If your pain or energy are better than normal, it’s a better day for sex than other days might be.
3. Be open to new perspectives.
The fact that you can’t do all the sexy things the way you used to doesn’t mean your sex life is over. Rather, it means that you should expand your definition of sex and your ideas about how to make sex work for you. Sex is more than intercourse, and sexual intimacy is more than a shared orgasm.
Get comfortable trying different positions or using a wedge pillow to adjust the angle of positions you like. Remember that oral sex, masturbating together, and using marital aids all count as sex. Figuring out how to manage sex with a chronic condition becomes part of your sexual intimacy together. Have alternatives that you can use when you’re having a bad day. One woman offered a wonderful suggestion: “On my bad pain days a hot shower or bath helps, and sometimes he’ll join me for that.” Not only are they both taking time to help her be comfortable for sex, they make it into part of their sexy time together.
4. Care for your whole self.
With a chronic condition, you probably have a medical specialist or a team of doctors to provide health care. Be sure you seek out doctors who will listen to you and take your concerns seriously. Even if it is embarrassing, ask for resources that discuss sexual intimacy with your condition.
Online communities can be a great place for information and support as well. Many conditions have websites or discussion forums where folks can ask questions. It’s a great way to get ideas about what you can try, both for daily living and for sex.
Do what you can to address your illness, but also remember that your whole self needs care. A chronic physical condition can take a toll on your mental and emotional wellness, just as a mental illness can affect you physically. Consider whether you would benefit from counseling or relaxation exercises to help you cope with your disappointment and frustration about your physical limitations. One survey respondent specifically recommended grief counseling. I think that’s wise advice. When our bodies don’t work the way they’re supposed to, we can feel broken. We grieve at what is not to be. Take care of your heart as well as your body.
5. Listen to your body.
Living with a chronic condition requires us to pay attention to our bodies in ways others don’t need to. If you notice signs that you’re at the beginning of a flare, then do what you need to do to prepare for what you’ll need to deal with.
Sometimes we may want to push ourselves to have sex even when we have little energy or are in pain. Learn to tell when you’re going to pay the price for doing this. If you have sex on a low-energy day but you don’t have anything on the calendar for the next couple days, you may be fine to push yourself. On the other hand, if you have sex on a low-energy day when you have a work presentation the next day, you may run into trouble.
6. Grow in godliness.
Many women wrote about the spiritual aspect of their chronic condition. Pain and suffering can drive us to our knees in prayer like little else can, after all. Dealing with pain or illness can give us a new appreciation for our relationships and for having others to help. Some women shared that they viewed their suffering as an opportunity to grow closer to Christ, both for them and their husbands.
So there you have it—real advice from real Christian wives who suffer from chronic illness or pain. While not all of this advice is specifically about sex, all of it can have an impact on sex, whether it’s on your perspective, your pain or energy, or working with your husband to make sex better.
I’d like to end with this comment from one woman, which nicely brings together so much of what I’ve written about here.
I see Christ being formed in my husband’s humility, patience, and love for me.. which makes me try really hard to take advantage and physically love him during the periods of health out of gratitude
* Chronic conditions mentioned in the survey include acid reflux, adrenal issues, allergies, anxiety, asthma, back pain, breast implant illness, carpal tunnel, chemo, chronic fatigue (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), chronic inflammatory response syndrome, chronic migraine, chronic sinusitis, connective tissue disorder, Crohn’s disease, cystitis, degenerative disc disease, depression, diabetes, endometriosis, erosive vulvovaginal lichen planus, fertility treatments, fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s, hypersensitivity, hypothyroidism, ileostomy, immune deficiency, inflammatory bowel disease, interstitial cystitis, joint pain, lupus, Lyme disease, menopause, multiple sclerosis, muscle pain, myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS), nerve pain, osteoporosis, ovarian cysts, PCOS, pelvic congestive syndrome, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, PTSD, reflux, renal failure, rheumatoid arthritis, scoliosis, sensitive skin, sleep apnea, spinal stenosis, TMJ, ulcerative colitis, vaginal tear, vaginismus, vertigo, vulvar pain, and vulvodynia.
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