During the year when my son’s friend lived with our family, I set up the card table and got out a jigsaw puzzle. I followed the same steps my mom had taught me years before: lay out all the pieces picture side up, gather the edge pieces together, put together the outside frame of the puzzle, find pieces that look similar to unique elements on the puzzle box picture, and so on.
It had never occurred to me that there was any other way to assemble a jigsaw puzzle. You set up the frame and let the picture be your guide. That was just how it was done—and when you get stuck, you try some pieces out and see what fits.
My son’s friend joined me at the card table. He picked up a piece at random, looking at the shape rather than the picture on it. He turned a few pieces upside down and started to compare the shapes. He said the pictures distracted him so he always went by shape. He didn’t understand why I was doing it my way. I was stunned as I watched him put several pieces together.
It turns out that there was more than one way to put a puzzle together after all!
More Than One Way
This past weekend I got out a new puzzle for my annual I-finally-put-away-my-Christmas-decorations jigsaw puzzle adventure. As I began to lay out all the pieces, I chuckled as I thought about my extra son’s approach that was so different from mine.
That led me to thinking about how so many things in life can be approached in more than one way—putting your shoes on (sock-sock-shoe-shoe, or sock-shoe-sock-shoe?), shopping for Christmas presents (start six months before Christmas, or wait until Christmas Eve? Shop online or go to actual stores?), bringing a pie to a potluck (homemade crust, premade crust, homemade filling or canned, or get the whole pie from the bakery?), and more.
Even sex can be done well in a variety of different ways. Consider all the different positions (missionary, stallion style, or something that works in a chair?), ways to stimulate (hand, mouth, or genitals), and even locations where sex can be enjoyed.
Not only is there more than one way to have sex, there’s also more than one way to work on sex.
The most common question I receive from women wanting to work on their struggles with sex is this:
How do I get started?
Good news, friends—you can start working on your sex life wherever you are. There is no one right way to revive your sexuality and your sexual intimacy. In fact, you may find that there are lots of right ways that work for you.
Working Like Sex Is Like Putting Together a Jigsaw Puzzle
You may find that it’s even a little bit like putting together a jigsaw puzzle.
- Look at the Bible and at healthy and happy Christian marriages. These are the picture on the cover of the box. It’s good to work on problem areas, but always keep in mind the big picture of what your marriage could become.
- Develop a shared understanding with your husband of what your boundaries are, just as you might put together the edges of the puzzle first. What does God say is good about sex? What does He say is off-limits? What are some things that are good for you and your husband as a couple? What are potential problem areas based on your individual sexual struggles?
- Look for common elements and work on those together. Where does your attitude about sex show up? Is it only in the bedroom, or do you see that in other aspects of your marriage as well? What are the ways past sexual trauma affects your sex life? What teachings about marriage and sex—or lack of such teaching—are part of your struggle? If you see a problem in your sex life, work on it in other areas of your marriage and life as well.
- Study how things fit together. If you don’t have time for sex, look at other parts of your schedule where sex could fit in, even if you have to move some pieces of your life around.
- Make adjustments as you progress. The thing you thought was about your relationship with your husband might turn out to be more about your relationship with your father, or with God. You’ll learn as you go, and you’ll adjust your effort accordingly. You may need to go back and reexamine some things you’d already worked on, but it will make the end result much more beautiful.
- It will get easier. The first few things you work on may feel overwhelming and slow. As you do the work, you may find that you grow more confident in your ability to succeed.
Do all of these things as needed, and as you are ready. Start with the piece that’s right in front of you, or maybe the biggest piece or maybe the thing that looks easiest. Start with something, and just move forward.
Puzzle It Out
This morning I was at the point in my puzzle where I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to keep going. It was harder than I thought, and I didn’t seem to be making much progress.
I’d made a mistake on the frame. I have several extra edge pieces and haven’t figure out yet where I messed up. I had gathered together pieces for several spots throughout the puzzle, but I’d only been able to fit a few together.
Today I sat back at the table. I looked at the biggest item in the picture and decided to work on just that. It was an air balloon—and as I began to fit the pieces in, I was able to see which pieces belonged with other balloons in the puzzle. With those pieces out of the way, I discovered that I had space to gather the pieces for the house in the picture—and I got that mostly assembled as well.
I used a variety of puzzle-assembly strategies to make progress. After all, there is more than one way to put together a puzzle.
Just like there is more than one way to work on sex.
If you’re ready to think about some specific action steps you can take, this post will help you out.
