You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. Psalm 139:1
When I was a teenager, I read an advice column that appeared in the newspaper. A girl had written in to ask she could avoid sex on dates. The advice columnist said, “Use an aspirin. Hold it tightly between the knees. And just say no.”
Then I experienced my first real kiss. I felt that kiss all the way inside me. I felt so aroused. And after the kiss, I found myself thinking that I didn’t know how to avoid sex when my body felt like it very much wanted sex.
I had no idea what to do with the fact that I’d become aroused and was physically craving something I didn’t understand. I was prepared to say no if I didn’t want sex, but what was I supposed to do if I did want it? And then I started to wonder if I was a freak for being a girl who wanted sex.
How Do We Experience Sex?
Like many women, I grew up with inaccurate ideas about sex.
Church, popular culture, and even books and newspapers present us a version of sex that doesn’t match what we will actually experience.
- Men always want sex.
- Women don’t want sex as much as men.
- Women should experience spontaneous arousal just as men do.
- Sex should be good even if our relationship isn’t doing particularly well.
- Women should experience orgasm as a result of intercourse.
- Couples should experience simultaneous orgasms.
Although these things may be true at times, more often than not our experience will look quite different—and we start to think maybe we aren’t normal. We wonder if something is wrong with us for being different. Or we wonder if we are wrong or abnormal for not wanting to engage in a particular sexual activity.
When the difference we observe is something that brings sorrow or pain to our lives, our question changes from “Am I normal?” to “What is wrong with me?”
The Desire to Be Normal
God created us to be in relationship—with Him and with others.
We all know we are unique, but we also yearn for acceptance and connection. Consider Adam and Eve. In their sin and shame, they felt disconnected from God and hid from Him.
When we realize that our sexual reality doesn’t match our mental picture of how we should be, we may experience shame. We seek confirmation that we are not damaged or wrong or too much or not enough.
We find comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Your One Voice Matters
To work through the question of whether you are normal or something is wrong with you, it helps to begin with this truth:
You were created in the image of God. Your sexuality is an integral part of your very being that helps you to draw closer to your husband.
Although it helps to know you are not alone in how you experience sex, even if you are the only one, your experience is still valid and true for you. Even if 300,000 women stand up to say that their sexual is experience is one way, your lone voice speaking something different is not made silent by theirs. If you were the only one who took away a negative message about sex from a Bible study group of 10 women, your voice still matters.
God created you, just as he created other women. You are not lesser or wrong even if you are the only one.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14
Imago Dei in a Fallen World
You were created by God in His image—and you also live in a fallen world.
You have experienced sin, whether it is your own sin or the sins of others against you. Your sexuality is part of God’s design for you, but it is shaped by what happens in your life.
It’s okay to wonder if you’re normal—but “Am I normal?” isn’t the best question to ask.
Instead, ask yourself if your experience is right and healthy for you.
Something that is normal may not be good. It is fairly common for women to be able to enjoy sex only if they’d had wine. It’s common for women to fantasize about something sinful in order to achieve orgasm. It’s common to become aroused while reading sexually explicit romances or watching porn. Being common doesn’t make these things right or healthy.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What does God say? Search the Bible. Read good Christian resources to help you better understand God’s boundaries around sex. Pray for wisdom and insight to know whether God speaks against something or encourages it.
- What is the source of this habit, desire, or need? Did it grow from a place of unhealed pain? Is it the fruit of sinful sex in your past? Read Christian resources specifically addressed to women who share your struggles can be especially helpful. The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual Thoughts by Shannon Ethridge and Pulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy, and the Longings of a Woman’s Heart by Juli Slattery and Dannah Gresch are great resources to help you begin to think through these questions.
- Does it build intimacy in your marriage? If God says something is okay and if it comes from a healthy place in your heart, it may still not be good for your marriage. Talk with your husband about whether your desires—and his—add to the intimacy or take away from it.
In your marriage, it may be comforting to know whether or not you are normal—but you and your husband are each unique, and your marriage can be godly and joyful regardless of whether anyone else is just like either of you.
Image credit | canva.com
Glad you are back. Wow if only my wife would read this.
“And then I started to wonder if I was a freak for being a girl who wanted sex.”
Saddest thing I have read all day. Thanks for sharing that for men who have no clue.
It IS sad, isn’t it? We—as a church, as a society, and as individuals—must do better in teaching young people that our interest in sex is good and serves God’s purposes.