A few years into marriage, it isn’t uncommon to hear a wife express concern.
She doesn’t feel the “zing” anymore. No butterflies in the stomach when her husband walks into the room. Some chemistry may still be there, but there’s not much reaction happening anymore. Instead of daydreaming about when she gets to see her husband again, her mind tends to focus on her responsibilities.
The white-hot “I want you now” heat of early marriage is a thing of the past.
The spark is gone.
But you know what? Not only is it normal for the spark to go away, it’s actually good that it does.
Sparks are lovely—but they don’t emit heat for very long.
Building a Campfire
Think about a campfire*.
When you start the fire, you use a spark from a match to light the tinder. The tinder starts the fire, burning bright and hot enough to ignite the kindling. Then you add enough kindling to keep hot flames going long enough to heat the firewood all the way through so it begins to burn.
A campfire begins with lots of chemical reactions and sparks and sizzles. After a while, the fire has turned from flashy sparks and bright flames into the soft orange glow of firewood that has been in the first long enough to maintain its heat for a while.
The sparks of a new fire are fun. You watch the flames, sit around the campfire, and enjoy all that quick hotness. But that isn’t where the real heat is.
The warmth that sustains you is in the soft orange glow. It’s where you can snuggle comfortably next to your husband and just be together. No new chemistry and no flashy heat. Instead, you’re in the place where you know that all the work you did to build a good fire will do what you built it to do.
The fire is started by the spark, but it is sustained only by fuel, oxygen, and time.
If all you have is sparks, the flames will burn out before the fire even begins.
New Sparks
If you ignore the lovely orange embers, the fire will eventually die.
Maybe you need to start over by adding tinder and kindling again. Or you rebuild the fire pit that provides the foundation for the fire.
Or you tend the fire to keep it going.
Maybe you poke at it with a stick to rearrange the wood so oxygen can better reach some of the logs. Or maybe you add a new log or two to give your fire more fuel.
Every so often a breeze may come along, shifting the fire just a bit. Or a new section of firewood catches fire.
For a brief time, you see bright new sparks and flames.
The sparks will again fade away and be replaced by the slow heat of logs that have been working in the fire for a while.
Building a Sex Life
Your sex life isn’t too different.
All the “zing,” butterflies, chemistry, and focus on each other provide the tinder that easily gives you plenty of spark. Your sexual encounters are the kindling that keeps the hot flames going long enough to heat your relationship all the way through.
The sexual aspect of your relationship begins with lots of chemistry and sparks and sizzles. Those sexy sparks of a new sexual union are fun and exciting, aren’t they?
But just as with a campfire, if all you have is sparks, the flames will burn out before the true fire even begins.
Those sparks bring us together again and again, gradually transforming that quick erotic heat into the slow heat of a long-time sex life.
This slow heat—the real fire—happens only when we feed the fire. Just as a fire needs fuel in order to burn, we need to nurture our sex life with time, intention, focus, frequency, and love.
It’s in this soft glow where you find warmth that sustains you and your marriage. Although you may miss the new chemistry and flashy heat, you know that all the work you did to build a good sex life is doing what you built it to do.
New Sparks
If you ignore your sex life, the heat will eventually fade away—so you tend your sex life to keep it going.
Maybe you rearrange things so you have more time and space for sex. Maybe you add something new to fuel some new sparks.
Every so often, the winds of life come along and shift the fire just a bit to ignite a whole new area. Or maybe you need to go back to basics and rebuild the relationship so your sex life will work better.
For a brief time, you see bright new sparks and flames.
The sparks renew the fire and then again turn into the slow heat of a long-time sex life.
Is the Spark Gone?
Many of us go into marriage expecting a lifetime of sparks and that sexy white-hot flash of heat. We are dismayed when we realize the spark has gone.
It can help to remember that the spark itself isn’t the fire. It isn’t what we should strive for in our marriages (although it certainly is fine to enjoy sparking).
As Christians, we can take heart in knowing that our sex life is intended for our entire marriages, not just the beginning.
Sex is not just for the newly married who experience so many sparks. It is for all of us married couples, for the rest of the days of our lives together:
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
The fire of a sex life is only started by the spark, but it is sustained only when we tend it by feeding it and creating space for it to thrive.
It only takes a spark to get a fire going—but it’s up to us to keep that fire burning so we can enjoy the red-orange glow of the embers that give us real heat.
Image credit | canva.com
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