New Year, New Sex Life

The beginning of the calendar year is a great time to think about goals and growth.

While it’s fairly easy to think about this in other areas of our life, it may not be something we’ve ever thought about in terms of sex.

But why not start this year? Growth in your sex life may benefit you in more ways than you think!

Growth Must Be Nurtured

Like many other women, I have found that effort I make in the sexual arena spills over into every other area of my marriage. Surprisingly, it also has a positive impact on non-marriage areas of my life and even on my relationship with God.

Whether you have small tweaks or major changes ahead of you, remember that what you tend to is what grows. A seed that is not watered will not flourish. A garden that is not hoed will see all the beauty covered and smothered by weeds. A surface that is covered by clutter will not shine.

If you want to see beauty and fruit from your effort, you will need to be intentional in pursuing your goals.

If you have a specific goal in mind, you can identify specific steps that will help you accomplish your goal. One year my goal was to become comfortable with a particular sexual activity I’d avoided for a long time. I read Christian blog posts about the activity, shopped for items that would help me be more comfortable, and even set myself a time frame for each step I would need to take. I would know I’d accomplished my goal when I was able to engage in the sexual activity with my husband.

However, most of my own effort on sex—and possibly yours as well—has been more vague: work on sex, initiate more, prioritize sex, and so on. In other words, I wanted to grow in different areas, but I wasn’t sure how I would know when I’d accomplished the goal. Besides, when your goal is growth, you might not ever have a specific endpoint.

It’s hard to know what to nurture when you know you want to grow but don’t have a specific goal in mind.

Three Places to Begin

If you know you want to grow sexually this year and aren’t sure where to start, I’d like to suggest that you do work in three areas:

1. Something non-sexual that can have an impact on sex.
2. Something sexual that you work on for yourself.
3. Something sexualthat you work on with your husband.

Let’s take a look at each of these areas and consider some ideas of where you can start.

Non-sexual Growth

Plenty of non-sexual factors can have an impact on a woman’s ability to look forward to and enjoy sex. The amount of time we have, our mental focus, and our physical health can make sex easier or more difficult. Sensual awareness can help us more easily make a transition to sexual feelings. A calm and uncluttered bedroom can help us feel like the bedroom is a sanctuary rather than a pile of laundry that needs to be put away. Spending time with God can help us address areas where our human nature is getting in the way of pursuing better sex.

Here are some non-sexual things you can do that can help you with sexual growth:

• Begin an exercise plan.
• Eat healthier meals and snacks most days.
• Spend 15 more minutes a day with God.
• Pray about your marriage.
• Make changes to your sleepwear, whether it means changing to comfortable nightgowns, pretty yet comfortable lingerie, or nothing at all.
• Declutter your whole bedroom. If you can’t do that, then focus on the areas right next to the bed, prettying up your nightstand and adding an essential oil infuser or a picture of you and your husband.
• Use the ideas in Calm. Healthy. Happy. – 17 Simple Ways to Slow Down, Feel Great, and Create Your Best Life as a Woman, Wife, and Mom or the Healthy Life Toolbox from Calm. Healthy. Sexy.
• Begin reading The Generous Wife blog for ideas of small changes you can make that benefit your marriage.

Sexual Growth on Your Own

While your sex life is about you and your husband together, what you bring to your sex life—from your past and from your daily life—is a big part of that. Your thoughts, your understanding of God’s design for sex, and even your access to information and support can either get in the way of sex or make your sex life even better.

There’s a lot you can do to work on sexual growth without your husband:

• Pursue healing for your own sexual woundedness by working with a counselor who specializes in the area where you hurt.
• See a doctor to address physical issues that interfere with sex.
• Join the Honeycomb & Spice community for Christian wives so you have a safe place to ask questions and get information and support for your growth.
• Read Unlock Your Libido: A 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation by Bonny Burns.
• Go through the Passion Pursuit study by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery. You can go through the study with weekly video chats through the Authentic Intimacy website. If you can’t commit to a weekly video chat, sign up for the online study that I run in the Honeycomb & Spice community each fall and spring. Or go through my email version on your own.

Sexual Growth with Your Husband

Pursuing goals and growing with your husband can strengthen your marriage—not just from accomplishing your goal, but also because the experience of doing something together contributes to the overall intimacy in your marriage.

Talk with your husband about what the two of you can work on together. Consider bringing up some of these ideas:

• Increase the frequency of your sexual encounters.
• Add a little extra spiciness each month.
• Make a decision that at least twice a month you’ll have longer sexual encounters—one that is all about giving him a great experience and one that is all about giving you a great experience.
• Try a new sexual activity.
• Become comfortable using a new position.

• Become comfortable using a new position.
• Read the Intimacy in Marriage blog together.
• Spend money on your sex life, such as taking a long weekend sex-cation or shopping together for sexual products on websites such as Married Dance or Honoring Intimates. (These are both Christian websites that are marriage-centered and contain no nudity; when you shop with these links, I earn a small commission.)
• Get comfortable having conversations about sex. J. Parker’s book Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations about Sex for Married Couples is a great place to start.

What About You?

If you’d like more ideas about goals for sexual growth, you’ll find some great ideas in some of these posts from The Forgiven Wife (my former blog).

• Add Spice to Your Sex Life
• Give Your Husband a Sexy Surprise
• Sexual Teasing
• Stretch Outside Your Comfort Zone
• 5 Ways to Work on Your Sex Life without Having to Add Spice
• Three Steps You Can Take to Work on Sex Right Now
• 4 Techniques for Understanding Your Views on Sex
• 18 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life This Weekend
• 10 Things You Can Do to Feel Sexy This Weekend
• How Working on Sex Is Like Cleaning

What are your goals for sexual growth this year?

If you aren’t sure where to start, sign up for Intimacy Mentoring with me to get help setting goals and moving forward.

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